Ask the Book Lady

Do Your Homework!

Dear Reader,

It's true that Words On Us has no stated policy on the completion of other people's homework assignments. In my innocent ignorance, I thought that certain things could be taken as a given. One might think that my incessant rereadings of Jean Kerr's wonderful essay "Please Don't Eat the Daisies" would cure me of such ideas. One would think wrong.

Now, I have no objections to writing your essay, aside from the fact that doing so would be immoral, unethical, probably illegal, and stupefyingly dull. Also, you didn't specify length, font, or margin settings. Other than all that, the only real problem I have is that doing your work takes me away from mine. As you can hardly step in and, in return for my absenting myself from them, tackle either that sprightly little piece on J.M. Barrie I have on the back burner or the dinner dishes that are cluttering up my sink, I'll make it simple for you and accept cash for my labors. Several thousand dollars should cover it. This may sound excessive, especially if (as I suspect) you're in high school and are working for six or seven dollars an after-school hour (assuming you have any income at all), but no doubt you'll be amply repaid when you sell your soul, as I trust at the rate you're going you shortly will, to the dark lord Beelzebub.

For simple instructions on how to make a donation to Words On Us, please see the Filthy Lucre page.

All my best,

The Book Lady

p.s. When referring in writing to a short story, place it within quotes. Shirley Jackson wrote "The Lottery," not the Lottery. If you were referring to the book-length short story collection by that name, you would put it in italics -- The Lottery -- or underline it. It's just possible that your attention to such details will move your teacher to give your paper a better grade than it deserves. On the other hand, he or she may fixate so indignantly on your errors in that department that any spelling mistakes or ferocious boredom will escape notice. If this seems more likely to be the case, disregard the information above.

p.p.s. Please don't let the dreary questions and forced-march essay writing your teachers may aim your way blind you to the power of Jackson's prose. Read some of her other work just for the hell of it. The Haunting of Hill House, for instance, is the greatest horror novel in the English language. If you've ever wanted friendship and acceptance so desperately that you'd move into a genuinely haunted house to get them, you'll sympathize with Eleanor, the main character. You may not be willing to pay me to write for you, but I'll happily forward the cost of a cup of reasonably expensive coffee in exchange for a thought-out, heartfelt answer to this question: is the ending a suicide, or a murder?

p.p.p.s. This offer is nontransferable.

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